no time for punctuation.

Fuck the grammar. Fuck the punctuation...the subject/verb agreement. Who has time to put together proper sentences, when one cannot even make sense out of life. You capitalize a letter to indicate the beginning...you punctuate to end. But who chooses the punctuation? Who gets to decide if it is a period...an exclamation mark...a question mark?

2009 has been a shitty year. I will be the first to admit that I can be, at times, an extremely pessimistic person. But please know that something always ignites the pessimism. It does not grow without water. This past month and a half, the water has been treacherous. It seems everyone's health has been on the decline.

First my sister's incident. Then co-worker after co-worker. Trickling all the way down to acquaintances and strangers. Cancer. Depression. Death...after death. I cannot even grasp the frequency of these unfortunate situations. How can someone all of a sudden have a lump? How can one go into a physical examination healthy, and then come out with an aortic aneurysm? How does one wake up one morning with the idea of playing racquetball, not thinking it may be his last game...ever? How does a kind, talented person end up alongside a major highway...dead? How does someone get so lost and confused that the only answer that seems to remotely make sense is the answer furthest from the truth.

It is not about me. None of it is. But how do I help? There has to be something I can do. I refuse to think there is nothing. I refuse. I cannot give up hope. It is taking everything out of me to be hopeful. One that is not religious...has no religion...and I find myself at church. I close my eyes and accept that God, or any higher being for that matter, may not be the answer but that it is a direction I am willing to face...for anything that may remotely resemble answers. My soul cannot take any more. But again, it is not about me.

Please end my thoughts with positive and hopeful punctuation. Amen.