quotable.

Change. We don't like it. We fear it. But we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change. Or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Any one that tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth, sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, change is everything.

We all have problems...I don't want to be here. I'd give anything to not be here. To have my life work out the way I planned. To have time to ask 'what about me?' So you change. You get over it. I'm here, now.

-Grey's Anatomy

apologize.

I must apologize for my foul attitude/behavior these past two weeks. My uncharacteristic moods were brought to my attention by several people over a few weeks, so long that I could not blame it on a certain time of month.

I choose to work 70 hour weeks, and it is not the amount of time spent working that has taken its toll, but rather the working conditions. A fairly stress-free full-time job has turned into an extremely stressful job these past few weeks. I work hard four times out of the year. My job caters to the public, and it seems the public is never satisfied. It is never black or white, right or wrong. My part-time job has become a zoo. Three newly hired technicians, two of which are foreigners. It has been madness day in and day out.

My patience level has been slim to none. Growing up, you are always told there is no such thing as a stupid question. Once grown up, you realize by that the before mentioned statement only applies during the years of growth, when you still have much to learn. As an adult, the overwhelming number of inquisitive idiots do, in fact, ask stupid questions. One every once in awhile is okay to ignore, but one every hour of every day begins to make you wish a meteor fell on each idiot's head upon completion of each stupid question.

Miscarriage. Abortion. Suicide. Death. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought I would be personally involved with so many people dealing with these situations during my life. In my opinion, these are some of the most difficult challenges one can face in life, and I envy those who know of no such thing. No one can ever really know how it feels until you, yourself, experience it. And even at that, it differs for everyone. I can only hope that I have and will do everything I can.

Eight years younger than me, my sister is one of the closest people to me. She recently went off to college for her freshman year. If I would have shed a tear any time this year, it would have been the day we moved her in. I miss her more than words could ever say. We grew extremely close over the past three years and though like night and day, we seem to relate very well to each other. She is one of the most kind hearted and good natured people I know. I wish her the best in college and hope she overcomes her current struggles.

No excuses. Not a justification. Just 'cause. Forgive me.

hungry hungry hippos.

One of life's greatest pleasures is having friends with similar eating habits who understand the importance of satisfying cravings...

Hungry Hippo 1: you think those shops around the legacy supermarket are open?
Hungry Hippo 2: yeah they are
Hungry Hippo 1: think they take CC?
Hungry Hippo 1: and have gop / beef noodle soup?
Hungry Hippo 1: man, i'd say first chinese bbq on coit, but they are cash only as well
Hungry Hippo 2: you know, i dont know that there isa cafe-like restuarant there..the only reastuarnat is liek a jap, pho, and this new-san-dor chinese restaurant
Hungry Hippo 1: really?? aw man
Hungry Hippo 1: what to doo!
Hungry Hippo 2: taiwan cafe?
Hungry Hippo 1: i'm hunngryy
Hungry Hippo 1: ooh we can do that!
Hungry Hippo 2: wait, they're cash only right?
Hungry Hippo 1: they are?!
Hungry Hippo 2: yeah.t.hey're cash only
Hungry Hippo 1: man
Hungry Hippo 1: sorry, i just lost my train of thought
Hungry Hippo 1: it's like my brain cells die with each hunger pang
Hungry Hippo 2: i have $15 cash...you think that's enough for hte 2 of us to eat?
Hungry Hippo 2: im desparate
Hungry Hippo 2: so sad
Hungry Hippo 1: i can TRY to get some cash out of the atm?
Hungry Hippo 1: honestly, i don't rememer my pin
Hungry Hippo 1: which is why i never have any cash
Hungry Hippo 2: haha. thats horrible
Hungry Hippo 1: hahaha, i KNOW
Hungry Hippo 1: i have a few guesses as to what it is
Hungry Hippo 1: so i could try to extract some cash?!
Hungry Hippo 1: what time is shabu shabu open till?
Hungry Hippo 2: 10
Hungry Hippo 1: ok, coool!
Hungry Hippo 1: what time do yo uwant to eat?
Hungry Hippo 1: so uhh like... 8:30? 8:25?
Hungry Hippo 2: yeah
Hungry Hippo 1: ok sounds good!
Hungry Hippo 1: i gotta find a wamu
Hungry Hippo 2: across from chick file
Hungry Hippo 2: er, they take pesronal cks
Hungry Hippo 2: i could bring a ck
Hungry Hippo 1: lol... checks... i don't think i've used a check since i had my own place
Hungry Hippo 1: lol it's ok i'll figure it out
Hungry Hippo 1: if i can't figure it out i can alawyas just go home and get cash
Hungry Hippo 2: omg. something about this is absurd.
Hungry Hippo 1: dude, when i'm hungry i will do ANYTHING for food
Hungry Hippo 2: aite, do what you gotta do..i'll bringa ck just in case

passing thoughts.

Gas is $2.99/gallon near my apartment. 5 blocks away I can fill up my car for $2.55/gallon. Crazy.

Though I have cut back on Starbucks, I have tweaked my order a bit. I never thought I would be one of those...but I have. My regular order: Iced Grande 3-Pump Vanilla No Room Americano. I can even say it fast.

One month later, I have paid my first month's rent and all the bills that come along with it. Holy shit, living on your own is expensive.

I am going to become a born-again tv junkie. I may even dip into the reality shows I never really cared for.

Part of growing up is dealing with death. It is amazing how someone's death can impact you, even if you had never met the person. He was so young. Yet, during his short life, he touched so many lives and accomplished so much.

Currently listening to: Apologize - One Republic.

Bowel movements have become a regular topic of conversation for me. Thankfully, I have co-workers and friends who are just as open about their regularities or irregularities.

Now that I have my own place, I find myself walking around in just basketball shorts and a bra. A sports bra, that is.

I am on an underwear buying high. But seriously, how can you not take advantage of 10 for $30 at Victoria's Secret?

Random things I miss...my dad's cooking, my sister, staying up all night at the PCL with LT, not having to worry about the electric bill, Zetas, skipping class, Cafe n Beyond/PC Wave, eating pork and rice at Grace's, recess, weekend sleepovers at Leslie's, late night phone calls during high school.

slob within.

For the most part, I am a clean and neat person. There are, however, at least two noteable messes I am guilty of...


Bet you never knew I had ten pairs of feet. Looks like I currently have visitors at my apartment. I would invest in a shoe rack, but I do not think I would use it. I have a bad habit of just kicking off my shoes/flip flops right in front of the door.




This could look a lot worse. After working 11-15 hours, tossing my clothes at the edge of my bed is so much easier than putting it in my closet at the end of the day. Bigger bed = more surface area for clothes to be thrown.

fear of the future.

I have this fear that I will end up like someone I know.

One of my biggest fears in life has always been to grow up alone. Diseased or povershed, either would be bearable as long as there were others, or just one other, there beside me. But to be healthy and old, but alone...what is the point?

Accomplished at work, the personal life dwindles. At home, the drinking comes before the sleeping. At age 40+ with no family, no kids.

I do not pray, but if I did, I would pray to the highest of gods that if I am diseased and povershed, that I am dying penniless in the arms of someone that loves me.

new found freedom.

The first of this month marked the beginning of a new start. Everyone is allowed a Restart button in their life. Some people choose to press it every year at the strike of midnight. Do not take it for granted. The past will never be erased, and that may hurt me in more ways than one but it is the price I will have to pay. Scrifices were made. Seems sacrifices are still being made. I turned to a life of solitude, which became a time of discovery. Independence is nice, but it is best complimented with unanticipated dependence.

Thank you to the few that did not judge me or leave me these past 18 months. The rest of my life will never be the same, and I will do my best to make the most of it.

fob on the rocks.

Apparently I can speak fob after a few drinks. Last night I was actually able to hold a conversation with a complete stranger. Granted the conversion was somewhat limited to the subject of dim sum, it was a conversation, nonetheless. Maybe I have it in me to speak Chinese, but I just lack the confidence. Can you imagine? I could be an extremely fluent speaker while in a drunken stupor.

Note: I was not hitting on a fob at the club. A very friend Chinese guy approached us in the parking lot and invited us to his newly opened Chinese restaurant. $5.99 dim sum buffet, if you are interested.

Colt McCoy, he's our boy.

For those of you who do not know, the one of the left is Colt McCoy, the Longhorn's current star quarterback. Though he is no Vince Young, he is a cute, small town boy with a good arm. And the little one on the right...that is Thomas, the son of my favorite pharmacist to work with, Jill. Jill and her family went to the UT/Arkansas State game this past weekend and then proceeded to dine with the McCoy family. How cool is that?!

the new crib.

The deadline drew nearer, and the time finally came. It was time to move out and find my own place. So here it is, much awaited pictures of my apartment...


- The Kitchen. Where I need to venture past turkey sandwiches. -


- The Living Room. Where I will be watching my ESPN and GH. -


- The Bathroom. Where I will poo and pee. Oh, and shower. -



- The Bedroom. Where I will hope to catch a few hours on my big girl bed. -

It ain't no MTV Cribs, but it is my crib. And I like it.

it was like Christmas.

No matter how far technology advances, I will always appreciate the simple things in life. Snail mail will never grow old. I received a package from Grace, and it was like Christmas, minus the tree and tedious wrapping.


Random assortment of items, I know. But each and every one of them makes me smile...yes, even the ugly/cute Pink dog from Victoria Secret.

Thanks, Grace!

the day has finally come.

Today marks the beginning of a new way of life. A sleepless life.

At 11:00 this morning, Mr. Time Warner came by and blessed me with cable TV and internet. My life is complete. Well, minus money and a man - I am still waiting for those to come knocking on my door.

I spoiled myself with a DVR so if you guys ever need to find me, I will be embedded in my leather couch in front of the tv. I could not have timed it any better - the kickoff of football and the start of a new season for primetime shows.

i know you know i know.

Sometimes you just have to trust that others will respect your decision to remain quiet. At the same time, a secret is not a sign of distrust. There is never just one common reason for silence. Rightfully, everyone has their own reason or reasons why they choose to say more than others.

say "cheese."

You know those cravings I get? The ones I cannot stop talking about until I satisfy them? My latest craving: cheese cubes.

I have been craving cubes of cheese for weeks. Every time I am at Tom Thumb I look for them. There's shredded, sliced, string, and canned, but there are never any cubed. Finally I got smart and went to Whole Foods Market.

Wisconsin Garlic Cheddar cubes
6.99 / lb.

I had no idea what Wisconsin Garlic Cheddar tasted like; my knowledge is limited to Cheddar and Pepperjack. But if I would going to buy cheese by the pound, I was going to find out what Wisconsin cheese was all about. So, I bought $3.15 worth of cubes. Craving satisfied.

please don't hit me.

Please don't hit me. Please don't hit me.

*BAM*

At the age of 25, I had my very first car accident. It was not as scary as I thought it would be. Not to take away from the severity of the event, but I guess it could have been a lot worse.

Apparently I was extremely calm throughout the whole thing (says the girl who hit me). Maybe it was because I saw it coming the whole time - I had a gut feeling that whoever was driving the beige Mercedes was going to break abruptly, causing the car to hydro-plane or skid into my lane. And sure enough, it did. After I had realized what had just happened, I got out of the car, only to hear the girl yell, "Damnit! I just got my license reinstated." Great, that's real comforting...

People really do need to learn how to drive in the rain. Learn to look at the traffic up ahead of you. Try driving a little slower. Oh, and know that when you break abruptly, your car is not going to just come to a stop, but rather go uncontrollably in any which direction.

In the end, both cars got towed. The girl's mother (who showed up to the scene later) turned out to be someone I knew from the pharmacy and was extremely nice to me throughout the entire thing. She even gave me a ride home. They have accepted liability so hopefully this will get resolved soon. Until then, my car is in the shop.

All I was trying to do was go home after a long week of jury duty...

jury duty.

I am currently a student and am unable to serve.

The past three times I have been called for selection, I have been able to check the student exemption box. Three years later, I am now out of school and have been called yet again. No one ever expects to be chosen.

This past Monday, I showed up at the McKinney Courthouse, and the process began. What a long process it was. It was long and tedious, and the jury of six did not get selected until 1:30 pm. The selection process was interesting. As the lawyers pointed out, the six of us did not get chosen, but rather the others were eliminated. The case involved domestic disbutes and violence. They elimated those with any history of violence. They also elimated the school teachers and counselors who may have a biased opinion about children and guardians. I was one of the six, which they thought could make an unbiased decision.

Though the actual trial was frustrating at times, because the judge would just send the jury to the jury room without reason and tell us it may take any where from 10 to 30 minutes before he called us back, it was extremely interesting. I witnessed a poor little 8 year old take the stand. Lawyers got frustrated, with their witnesses and with each other throughout the trial. Witnesses could not control their emotions and cried while taking the stand.

The most interesting part was the deliberation. After two solid days of trial, the fate of the defendant was in the jurors' hands. There were two charges: assault and violation of a protective order. We, the jurors, found the defendant guilty of assault and not guilty of violation of the protective order. It is amazing how the court of law expects a group of completely different people, let it be 6 or 12, to agree unanimously on such an important decision.

I have done my duty as a citizen.

long time no read/write.

What seems like months has only been half a month. Seems like forever since I last wrote. I have been distant with the outside world. Pretty much all that has consumed my time has been work and my sister. Work, because I need money, and my sister because she is leaving for college in a month and a half.

On a very important side note, I did purchase a new laptop. So, that should be arriving within the next few weeks.

no time for eloquence.

Alzheimer's is a bitch. For entertainment purposes, I am glad the movie 50 First Dates was able to poke fun at memory loss but in real life, it is anything but funny. I witnessed a man relive the initial shock of his mother's death yesterday. "Oh my god, when did this happen?" Two weeks ago. "Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?" They did - You just don't remember.

It is not your decision to make. If you are going to short my hours, just tell me. If you are going to restaff, just let us know.

I am so proud of my boy, Daniel Gibson. Sad when you decided to leave UT early, I am now extremely happy for you and all that you have done for the Caveliers.

Temptation is hard to ignore. I am ashamed to say that at times I find myself without the strength to say no. Instead, I have to force myself away from that which tempts me.

My father likes to watch Kyle XY. Something about that makes me laugh.

Insert one applicatorful into each vagina once daily.If your doctor calls in your medication like this, PLEASE go find yourself another doctor. Or, find yourself a specialist and have that second (or third) vagina removed. You should only have one vagina.

Do people really pay $400+ dollars for a pair of shoes?! I will pay $100+ for a pair of Nikes; that I am guilty of. But $400 for a pair of dress shoes? Do the shoes come with a Prince Charming at the stroke of midnight? And who is this Jimmy Choo person? Jimmy Jimmy Choo, who are you?

The Big Borderrito at On the Border is no joke. It is humungous! Reminded me of the Super Monsters at Freebirds. Mmmm...Freebirds.

Currently listening to: I Tried - Bone Thugs N Harmony, feat Akon. I love me some Krayzie and Layzie Bone.

Aging sucks. More responsibilities. Less controllable emotions. More aching bones.

the beginning of always.

Seems love is definitely in the air. With three cousins getting married this summer and several people I know getting engaged...

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. The belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision, to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past. The covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration, of the chance taken, and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team, braced against the tempest’s of the world. And love… will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality… only an announcement to the world for feelings long held. Promises made long ago in the sacred space of our hearts.

Awww...

racing for some cure.

Last year I flaked out by being sick...or hungover, I cannot remember which it was. Probably both. This year I was home at a decent hour the night before the race, without a single trace of alcohol in my body. Though I did not get a good night's sleep (damn rain!), I did have some peace of mind to myself, which was nice.

It took me 38 minutes to race for the cure - all 5K (3.1 miles) of it. No cure was found at the end, but I did come out with a sense of accomplishment. I have not ran since summer school PE in high school. Sure I have done cardio at the gym, but moving your legs with the assistance of an elliptical as the screen digitally says you have completed 2 miles does not compare to the work out you experience when you actually go running.

I was hot, sweaty, and now I am sore. I look forward to next year's race in which I hope to improve on the awful time of 38 minutes.